charlie and the pepper spray .

lol . not in the mood to talk a lot . just wanna ponder . lol sounds lame yeah i know .
01.) don't wanna wake up...MUST KEEP DREAMING
02.) LAMENTATION
03.) ADDICT
04.) ...i'm in a twilight mood
05.) i want pinkberry
06.) ..*sigh*rob pattinson
07.) OMGGGGGG BILLL
08.) ..thorougly modern millie !
09.) my confidence has gone down the drain .
10.) rawRR

modern .

ok so today was not-so-boring ! went to the audition workshop for "Thoroughly Modern Millie" and well ... i'm PSYCHED ! i really wanna do this play ! much more exciting than "Dead Man Walking" though i'm sure that's a good play too .
alright , so 10 thoughts for today :
01.) crap .
02.) ...ooh bake sale
03.) ...hahaaaaa poor fool !
04.) THIS LOOKS SOOO COOL !
05.) damn i feel smart
06.) HAHA mr. a ! lololol
07.) WTF NOT FUNNY ANDREA
08.) it's cold
09.) i can't dance
10.) i have a kick ass chinese accent !

it must be stopped !

haha . so i went SHOPPING today . surprising right ? bought a LOT of stuff . i got christmas presents... and clothes for myself . i STILL need to find something for the Christmas service . idk the Christmas party was pretty...ok lol . Kristie was my secret santa ! she got me a $20 pinkberry card .

10 random thoughts for today :
01.) ugh old people clothes
02.) i like that shirt
03.) toki doki !
04.) haha...kenny
05.) rofl..." girl girl girl "
06.) SHIT this is REALLY sour ! .....bill kaulitz.....FTW !
07.) ....yum twilight poster
08.) OMG ....THAT LADY JUST LOOKED AT MY A&F BAG AND MADE A FACE ! ROFL
09.) ....this song sounds familiar ....
10.) damn that old lady just PWNED my ass

singing the day away

today should be a doozy . fight with kenny . gay dance . free food . messing with XXXXX's mind . haha
probably more on that at the end of the day ...

i can't seem to get myself to stop singing . i've got a cold and it's not good on my throat to be singing . but i can't seem to stop . haha . i should probably start a band or SOMETHING . or...join another ! i don't care as long as i'm singing . idk if i'm all that great or not . i'll let YOU be the judge of that but yeah . female singer up for grabs ! lololol . if you know anyone, you should let me know (:

it's a spankin' beautiful day ! (:

miss attitude .

today was an okay day . not much going on . a lot of pms-ing [[ due to lack of chocolate ]] uhm . it was kinda boring actually . rachel-whats-her-face thinks she's funny . she's not . she's got an attitude problem . needs to keep her sarcasm under control . stupid little miss attitude . mr.dehn scared me in music . he's a meanie . but it's okay . i gotta find a nice, black, ankle legnth dress for the Christmas service ... ew . my voice is gone, due to singing too much . uhm ... like i said; a boring day .

.. come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you !

lol i'm in such a good mood today ! i have no idea why . i just am . i kinda know what i'm getting everyone for Christmas ! jeesh ! i'm spending a lot this year . i better start saving up ! i told most people what i'm getting them . but some must be kept a secret . haha .

kim : XXXXXXX
emilie : XXXXXXXXX
gloria : domo doll
nichelle : ? [[ no idea yet ]]
emily : cookie monster
pam : twizzlers
jennifer : ? [[ idk yet ]]
steven : scarf
kenny : XXXXXXXX
vinson : card << ima cheap-o !
belle : ?
brandi : ?
alina : books ?
vivi : ? money ?
jackie : XXXXX

...ok so i don't have things figured out like i THOUGHT i did . but Christmas is inlike 3 weeks...so i got some time right ? haha .

yummy .

saw twilight yesterday ! how badass right ? lol . it was gooooood ! of course not as good as the book. NOTHING is as good as the book . but it was good . REALLY sexy . i was hyperventilating . and the cullens' entrance omg... i almost passed out when edward walked in but i was like screaming in my head " NO YOU CAN'T PASS OUT NOW, NO ! " haha. and i had to go pee really bad. but i held it in until the end of the movie. i couldn't handle being away from edward's sexy face for two minutes.

lol . and guitar recital today...UGH omg. i screwed up sooo badly . it was dark so i couldnt see my guitar strings and i freaked out. so i fxcked up the begining of the song . i was nervous like there was no tomorrow. so my voice cracked and i forgot the lyrics for a split second . ugh

so that was my weekend. twilight. hyperventilating . passing out . recital . sucking .

GRAWR !

tomorrow SHOULD be the day i'm seeing Twilight. but unfortunately, it won't be .
its 9:41 pm right now.....in a matter of about two hours and fifteen minutes, Twilight will be released. and i won't be able to see it . frustrating .

today, was a regular school day . nothing special happening . just another day in my boring old life . i want an adventure ! a twilight/billkaulitz worthy adventure ! go on one with me yes ?

robert pattinson<3
-----------------i'll have your back-breaking hell spawn any day

SO WHAT ?!

what is up ? i haven't posted a blog in forever. i don't know what's going on with me anymore. haha . i've found a new obssession. robert pattinson. yeah " that twilight guy " also known as EDWARD CULLEN. that's right. his name is so special i had to capitalize it. bask in his sexiness :



i don't know about you but that boy is welcome to stalk me and watch me in my sleep anyday. voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir. haha. i can't wait for Twilight to come out ! seeing it on friday !

as for my love life, nothings really going on. there's a lot of confusion. i don't really know what i want anymore. i'm a picky girl. looks DO matter-- more or less. but personality is not something to ignore. when i find something i like, i stick to it; hence bill kaulitz. and i'm determined to get it. but for now, i'm just gonna live life. i don't NEED a boyfriend. i'm fine the way i am.

assumptions

lol ....so i 'm back from camp...& wherever i was before that 'cause i haven't posted anything in a REALLY long time . camp was really something . kenny was there of course & at first, everything...was just plain awkward . haha, then it kinda got...upsetting . he was hurting . i could see it . i don't know if he was trying to be discreet about it, but reading his expressions are like reading the words in a book . he might as well have had EMO written on his forhead . but anyway, seeing him hurt upset me . so i tried to just give him his space .

then, the moment it got dark enough , i burst into tears . spent like an hour in a tree . nobody noticed me; i was left to cry alone . i wasn't crying because of kenny . but because of personal matters . but...eventually, kim noticed & asked me what was wrong . i didn't know what to tell her so i lied & said the first thing that popped into my head ' kenny's being a douche ' . that probably wasn't fair to him but it was the first thing i could think of . i told her not to tell anyone . i don't know how but all of a sudden the rest of the girls were fussing over me. and....well they're not very subtle & eventually, thomas, richard, & linh noticed too .

i hate crying in front of others . i don't like the attention . it's not the good kind of attention that gives you that rush of adrenaline . it's the kind that makes you sick to your stomach .

i don't know what motivated him to, but suddenly, he was just there . at first my heart kind of ached . he was there but he wasn't mine to lean on . but then he held my hand . i don't know if he knew what i was upset about . but i guessed he just noticed i wasn't myself . & i took a hold of that chance & tried to get closer to him . a part of me was screaming no, but a bigger part was begging me to give into what i really felt . before you know it , we were back together . haha, then i got the GOOD kind of attention . the kind that makes your heart all bubbly . & call me stupid, but i realized i was lying to myself all along . i had made a mistake to try & break it off with him . nothing ever changed . & i have NEVER stopped loving him .

what now ?

it bothers me how he thinks i'm being insincere . all of a sudden he stops talking to me. i didn't notice right away. it took me a while. at first, i was really worried. that our friendship would go down the drain. he's my best friend. i thought he was the one thing that wouldn't change. i thought he was the constant in my sea of variables. i DID need him in my life. i COULDN'T imagine my life without him. but day by day, the vision without him becomes clearer. he posts in his blog that if i really cared, i would talk to him first. & i've thought about doing it a million times now. but then again...he obviously doesn't want to talk to me. HE stopped talkingt to me first so why should i grovel at the feet of someone who doesn't care about this friendship anymore ? i'm a stubborn being. i know i am. i'm not gonna cave. & twenty years from now, if he regrets it & wishes we were still friends, it WILL be his fault.

well anyway, enough with that stuff i'm gonna go out & live my life with or without him. i'm gonna have fun. like i did last night (: homecoming was pretty cool. it felt nice to have SOMEONE pay attention to me. to have the warmth of someone's friendship in the palm of my hands. i was utterly flattered. for once, someone gave me the attention i needed.

letting it all out .

A lot has been going through my head. I'm not happy with myself, but at the same time, i still feel relieved. So many thoughts. & so much confusion. I broke up with my boyfriend recently. I didn't want to do it. I really didn't. but I felt I had to; for the both of us. I could see we were both miserable. There were so many things I wanted to say so bad. But... I was crying too much to say anything. I didn't know what to do...I just walked away. I felt so glad that all my friends were there to hold me & reassure me everything was okay. Because honestly, I was scared out of my mind. I kind of felt I made the right choice. He didn't seem to care. & that just hurt me like crap. I know it sounds selfish but it was how I felt. Just because I was the one to end it this time, didn't mean I loved him any less. & the fact that he didn't care stung. I hope things end up okay between the both of us because I do love him; with all my heart. & I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I just don't think that is the role he plays in my life. It's kind of hard for me to get over him right now but I think I'm doing a good job. & I hope he is too. Don't get me wrong. He's a great guy. & I really do wish him all the happiness in the world. I just don't think I'm the one that can give it to him. Right now, I just want to move on with my life & not dwell on the past. I'm not going to keep myself from meeting new guys just because I can't get over the last. I'll miss him. & I'm gonna move on. If he & I are meant to be, our roads will cross again. But for now, I'm just gonna take what life throws at me. I'm going to continue to live happily. & most importantly, I'm going to smile. & I want him to smile too. Because he's important to me. & I hope he knows that. We'll always be friends no matter what. & as far as boyfriends go, not looking, but not being closed minded. Keeping myself available. I don't like narrowing my options.