assumptions

lol ....so i 'm back from camp...& wherever i was before that 'cause i haven't posted anything in a REALLY long time . camp was really something . kenny was there of course & at first, everything...was just plain awkward . haha, then it kinda got...upsetting . he was hurting . i could see it . i don't know if he was trying to be discreet about it, but reading his expressions are like reading the words in a book . he might as well have had EMO written on his forhead . but anyway, seeing him hurt upset me . so i tried to just give him his space .

then, the moment it got dark enough , i burst into tears . spent like an hour in a tree . nobody noticed me; i was left to cry alone . i wasn't crying because of kenny . but because of personal matters . but...eventually, kim noticed & asked me what was wrong . i didn't know what to tell her so i lied & said the first thing that popped into my head ' kenny's being a douche ' . that probably wasn't fair to him but it was the first thing i could think of . i told her not to tell anyone . i don't know how but all of a sudden the rest of the girls were fussing over me. and....well they're not very subtle & eventually, thomas, richard, & linh noticed too .

i hate crying in front of others . i don't like the attention . it's not the good kind of attention that gives you that rush of adrenaline . it's the kind that makes you sick to your stomach .

i don't know what motivated him to, but suddenly, he was just there . at first my heart kind of ached . he was there but he wasn't mine to lean on . but then he held my hand . i don't know if he knew what i was upset about . but i guessed he just noticed i wasn't myself . & i took a hold of that chance & tried to get closer to him . a part of me was screaming no, but a bigger part was begging me to give into what i really felt . before you know it , we were back together . haha, then i got the GOOD kind of attention . the kind that makes your heart all bubbly . & call me stupid, but i realized i was lying to myself all along . i had made a mistake to try & break it off with him . nothing ever changed . & i have NEVER stopped loving him .

what now ?

it bothers me how he thinks i'm being insincere . all of a sudden he stops talking to me. i didn't notice right away. it took me a while. at first, i was really worried. that our friendship would go down the drain. he's my best friend. i thought he was the one thing that wouldn't change. i thought he was the constant in my sea of variables. i DID need him in my life. i COULDN'T imagine my life without him. but day by day, the vision without him becomes clearer. he posts in his blog that if i really cared, i would talk to him first. & i've thought about doing it a million times now. but then again...he obviously doesn't want to talk to me. HE stopped talkingt to me first so why should i grovel at the feet of someone who doesn't care about this friendship anymore ? i'm a stubborn being. i know i am. i'm not gonna cave. & twenty years from now, if he regrets it & wishes we were still friends, it WILL be his fault.

well anyway, enough with that stuff i'm gonna go out & live my life with or without him. i'm gonna have fun. like i did last night (: homecoming was pretty cool. it felt nice to have SOMEONE pay attention to me. to have the warmth of someone's friendship in the palm of my hands. i was utterly flattered. for once, someone gave me the attention i needed.