i've been lazy

lol this post is gonna start out like every other one " i haven't posted a blog in a while cuz i've been lazy " . and i think i've ignored this blog enough that THEY don't even bother to check anymore . so i can finally let it ALL out . i'm losing some of my closest friends . it's noone's fault... we're just not as in touch anymore. and boys... ha ! where to start . not looking... but they come & go . i found myself being insanely picky nowadays . ok maybe that's not the right word ... more like... scared . i find the " nice guy " and i like him, but i end up pushing him away. there's ALWAYS something wrong with someone... and i look for that something so i can have an excuse to not be with them . Too boring, not goodlooking enough, tries to hard to please me, talks weirdly ... SOMETHING . it's annoying . but i can't do anything about it ... because at the time when i make that decision, it makes sense . only after do i realize that i'm being stupid again . and then from time to time i find myself thinking about HIM again... why ? and this guy ... *****... haha ... JERK . but i'm so attracted . INSANELY attracted to him . don't know why because i hate him with every fiber of my being . doesn't that just seem weird ? i don't know . WELL ! anyway enough of the complaining ! last night was the summer concert for VRMA . i had fun (: ! the girls and guys were really nice . the kids were... well some were cute some were annoying . but what can i say ? they're kids ! i swear i messed up ! stairway to heaven... beautiful song . just not so beautiful when i'm the one playing it (x . but it was nice to have my wonderful "husband" and precious "son" watching and supporting me.... each with a dish of food in their hands.... LOL ... ahh and my *lovely* "son" hanson took a stupid picture of me.... so i beat him with a rose... that he gave me (x . lol good times....... my feet hurt by the end of the day . but it was worth it . a good day of singing and music (: !

no title .

yeap . no title . blank . just like me . not in a very good mood . today started out great . fun in phys. ed. i hurt myself a little . fell on my ass . had some fun with them CCHS girls . but i don't know . now, i'm blah . my stomach hurts . i think i have the flu . i'm genuinely hurt . and i want to yell at someone . but who can i actually yell at without being rude ? haha you're probably thinking to yourself right now "for the love of all that's holy, man up a little" . and you're right . i should . God armed me with the strength for this battle called life . yeah... no . the whole stay positive thing isn't working out for me at this moment . ah i'm pathetic . and lonely .

feel the beat .

wow . well it's been QUITE a while since my last post . i've just gotten really lazy that's all . but well YESTERDAY i went to the CHOC charity event ; "feel the beat" and OMG it was amazing . i lost my voice . and i had to pay an extra ten to get in because tickets were sold out but it was worth it . gabe bondok <3 aj rafael <3 oh dear . it totally got my mind off of the real life . my little escape to paradise was way too short . what i'd give to go back and not have to think about my problems right now . haha .

happy 200th birthday cornelia connelly !

today . was . fucking . awesome . haha . LOTS of food . taking pictures . freaking out teachers . messing with maddie . short classes . AWESOME . today started out with learning & whatnot . pretty boring . but very short classes ! & then we had mass... maddie was ignoring me so i kicked her & pulled out strands of her hair until she turned around . and then, we had lunch . ohhhh wow ! haha ashley is freakin adorable - but so is Mr. Marshall -- the history teacher . yum . he was in the history department & of course, we were eating right in front . ashley felt like saying hi . and well that's not the weird part . what's weird is she was going to take a picture of him . so i yelled "MR.MARSHALL" & he stuck his head out the door . but he decided to ignore us . ashley, being as stupid as she is... starts saying "i LOVE history ! it's like my FAVORITE subject . it's just SO interesting ." Mr. Marshall got very annoyed of course . and slammed the door on us . (x stupid ashley . after lunch, we just hung out . ashley tried to take a picture of Mr. Marshall again & well this time he kinda saw her trying to . haha poor ashley . he probably thinks she's a total freak now . haha . then we were messing around , and someone left a plate of...just icing on the ground and well... maddie stepped in it ! poor fool ! very fun day . later i'm off to open house !

shopping .

i think everyone knows about my tendency to shop . especially when i'm sad . it gets my mind off of things . but today i actually feel BETTER after shopping . hooray for me . shopping with my friends is the best ! spending money, hanging out, shit talking . always fun .

now i'm losing it .

ugh ! i don't know what can be held accountable for my sudden mood swings . fuck . i'm just so pissed off right now . i had just went and read all my messages before i deleted them for the new year . and well LIES . all LIES . he said he was "insanely in love with me" ?!!? bullshit . i don't buy it anymore . what-fucking-ever . i guess falling out of love with me is just as easy as falling IN love with me . ironic isn't it ?

happy fucking new year

ugh . a new year , a new start . gotta get on with my life . the past three days have been spent sulking . mourning really . but it's time to stop all that . i've isolated myself from the rest of the world for quite enough . my eyes are bloodshot from trying to distract myself with excessive reading . and well...i gotta stop eating junk . sleeping the day away doesn't solve anything either . who cares if HE doesn't love me . i don't need it . thinking about it just makes things worse . it doesn't matter that i've been played . all that matters is that i know how to get up & dust myself off . of course i'm still sad...& of course i still CARE , but i'm just gonna ignore it . i don't need to let it interfere with my life . it's my fault anyway i ALLOWED this to happen . new year, new guys, new life, new attitude .